My Brown Eyed Girl

Middle Daughter is a rock star! Actually, she’s more of a defender of the underdog, environmental crusading smarty pants, who happens to look like a super model-with a flair for fashion! She is kind, creative, hopeful and loving. She is pertinacious in some things, while remaining respectful and open-minded in others.

©1999 JT's HAND-A Neonatal Fund

When Middle Daughter was born, she was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for 10 days. For a long time, I felt that she was so fragile-as if, like a helium balloon, if I didn't hold on tightly enough, she would just float away.  I quickly learned that M.D. would have no part of my tight grasp.

When M.D. was 5, we were in Chicago celebrating Firstborn Daughter's Birthday. We were walking down Pearson Street and came upon a man who was (rather aggressively) soliciting. My instinct was to pull everyone close and keep on- keepin’ on (I know, I know-I'm not proud). The two oldest moppets grabbed onto my arms and started giggling nervously. As we continued to walk, Middle Daughter kept looking back at the man. After several steps, M.D. said, “Mama, that man needs some money, can I give him mine?” as she ran back and handed her money to him.

While in 2nd and 3rd grades, she learned 2 very valuable things from teachers. I really think these two lessons have molded how she sees the world!

Her 2nd grade teacher taught her that it is icky to lie to your apartment manager and say you don't have a cat when you do; and if you get caught with said cat, it's even ickier to try to guilt your students into taking your cat because you don't want to pay the pet deposit! 

 (Also known as the year M.D. learned how not to behave!)

In 3rd grade, her teacher taught her that it is a beautiful thing to give your lunch to another, but also that it is okay not to give away your lunch-especially when you're hungry! Nourishing yourself is not selfish!

Middle Daughter is one of the most determined people I have ever known. She doesn't let other people define her-if someone tells her she can't do something, she will prove to them that she can!














She has a fabulous sense of style!

M.D. wants to save the world! She is specifically passionate about the environment! I love that she is the #1 fan of the Director of the Virginia Department of Environmental Quality! She gets all flustered and swoon-y when she talks to him-it's adorable!

(P.S.-M.D-thank you for letting that woman with one item go ahead of you in line at the store the other day! I saw that-way to go!)

As Long as I'm Living... My Baby You'll Be

I can't figure out if Baby Girl is so yummy because there are so many of us "raising" her-so she gets our best (least exhausted) selves; because, since birth, she has been schlepped around to everyone's activities- exposing her to all kinds of fabulous; or if it's because I'm tired and old and not as uptight as I once was! It's probably a combination of all these things, or has absolutely nothing to do with any of them-either way-Baby Girl rocks!

She says things like this:

"Mama, it's really hard to become a star. Seriously, I've been trying for years!"


"Ahhhhh! The paparazzi is trying to take my picture! Can you help me hide?"





"Mom, you need to remember that when I don't bring my lunch to school, I still need to pack a snack. I was starving today. I was so hungry, I seriously thought about eating my crayon!"


And does things like this:  

Wears white gloves on the 1st day of school

B is for Brady Bunch! Of course!

           


                    
         Places a candle on her head
             and one on each hand.
         And proclaims that she is
     Lumiere from Beauty & the Beast
                                   

They were completely overwhelmed by their brilliance!

                                               


During a 5 hour road trip, she convinced her big sister's bestie to form a rock band!
They are called
The Glowettes!



They worked very hard and made lots of big decisions.
Most importantly, all of The Glowettes merchandise will GLOW!
                           

                                                         

                            
BG's The Glowettes band mate is 
from Oxford, so this just seemed right!
                

                               

          And sleeps like this:

Or sometimes like this:

Now if she isn't that cat's pajamas, then I just don't know my feline loungewear!

Please forgive me, I'm having a moment...

Most mornings I wake up and turn on The Today Show. Oftentimes the news makes me sad, annoyed, uneasy or flabbergasted- I don't really love that, but The Today Show serves as my daily calibrator (that plus a yummy cup of coffee and being the only one awake!) which I really do love/need.

As I am watching, I often wonder, "what kind of crazy train did these people bungee jump off of?" (Then I start singing Crazy in my head-the Seal version, not the Alanis Morissette one). I envision them as babies, in the loving arms of their mamas and papas, stockings pulled firmly over their itty, bitty heads to conceal their little baby identities, and think how did they get from there to here? (And, really, shouldn't the stockings have been a red flag?)

 ©Anna Bond

But then I think that's ridiculous and of course there are bank robbers and other assorted bad persons who were held in loving arms. So then I decide that they must not have realized that someone in this world thought they were the cat’s pajamas. (Because how could you be a bad guy if you knew someone thought you were the cat's pajamas, right?) I start singing Feed the World, because I heart Sir Bob Geldolf and I know the words to that song. Oops. No I don't. So I sing “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire-we don't need no water, let the,” but I stop because I remember that I have children in my house-sleeping children and I need to be quiet or I can kiss my sweet, sweet solitude goodbye.

And yes, it really is exhausting being me!

Then I get all sad thinking that perhaps they weren't held in loving arms. Maybe that's how they got from there to here-at which point I start humming "We are the World" because I think all babies should be held in loving arms and it makes my heart ache to think otherwise. And because “We are the World” just feels right.

This morning as I was meandering down this mental flowchart, enjoying my coffee and the house party in my head, I started wondering if the moppets know how amazing, kind, and rockstar-ish I think they are. Hand on chin, finger tapping cheek, eyes looking upward-Things that make you go hmm... (Nope, don't know the words to that song either.)

So I've decided to share some things that that blow my mind (in a good way) about my children over the next couple of weeks! Because everyone should know that there is someone in the world who believes they hung the moon!

Announcing the Sammons Summer Fun!

Summer is officially starting at The Cottage. School's out,  CYT Ricmond's Les Misérables (an absolutely amazing experience and a top notch production) just wrapped, and we bid bon voyage to our Mimi who was visiting for the week. I feel like tossing all my papers and books in the air and running Pheobe-style directly to the nearest summer fun! Which, because I have no idea what that is, I'm making my own!

This summer we are living Pinterest-ingly! Like many folks I know, I find Pinterest completely addictive (kind of like Kumihimo jewelry, but without an end). It is full of ideas, solutions, and fixes; recipes, patterns, and DIY instructions; fun activities, fascinating factoids, clever sayings and quotes, and is an endless well of things I never knew I needed to know! -not to mention a complete time sucker-but I contend that there are worse ways to spend the wee hours of a sleepless night!

I really feel like my brain is full of fluff these days. I am hard pressed to come up with ideas or suggestions for fun (let alone purposeful, educational or in any way beneficial) activities, what to make for dinner, or how to make my own natural, organic, reliable deodorant-I find it all quite vexing! While I am hopeful this is just a temporary condition, in the meantime, I've got to keep on keepin' on!

I am not exactly sure how this is going to play out-after all I can't come up with a plan of my own and cannot find a pinterest pin outlining how to live a pinteresting summer-but we'll find a way. The thought is- whatever we do, we'll do it the Pinterest way (or ways)!

In the mean time, youngest son is still trying to figure out how to build a dunk tank and middle son wants everything we do to be a competition-so I must now log on to Pinterest-I'm sure both of these things are addressed there!

                                                              pinterest: the cottage cheese

Letter from Sandy Hook Elementary School Parent

I received this beautifully written letter from a parent at Sandy Hook Elementary School. 

Hi Erin!

Thanks so much for your generosity!  It's amazing how much support our community has received from around the world!  We really do appreciate everything that has been done to help us. Acts of kindness such as this are what helps us to show our children that there really are good people in the world and that people from all over the world care about them! 

Last week we started at our new school and we are taking it slowly, day by day.  Most of the kids are excited to be back in class and back to a "normal" routine.  My student is a second grader at the school and their classroom was directly across the hall from Ms. Soto's and Mrs. DeMato's rooms.  My child and several of their classmates are having a particularly hard time coming back to school since just being in school is bringing up memories of that day.  Their class was just feet away, hiding beneath their coats in a corner.  They heard it all and saw more than any child should have to witness.  We have good days and we have bad days.  The kids jump at loud noises, cringe at the sound of sirens, even smells of smoke will bring up bad memories.  Then there are the days when the kids are all together and you can see the special bond they have formed by having endured such a horrific event together - they are all there for each other - ready to give hugs or a pat on the back, giving each other drawings, stickers or cards - anything to show that they care and they understand what each other is going through.  They are an amazing group of kids and they have amazing teachers! Just watching those kids together gives me hope that there is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel and they are the ones who are going to lead us there.

Your idea to send the Box Tops is fantastic!  I know so many people want to know how to help.  This is a great way to help since we really don't know at the moment what we'll need down the road.  The money we receive from Box Tops will go a long way to helping us meet any needs we may have as we move further along in the school year and beyond. 

Thanks again so much for your support!!!!!

If you want to send Box Tops 4 Sandy Hook, please send them to the following:

Sandy Hook Elementary School
Att: Box tops 4 education coordinator
12 Dickinson Drive
Sandy Hook, CT 06482

Box Tops 4 Sandy Hook Update

Yippee! Box Tops 4 Sandy Hook really seems to be catching on! As we are busy spreading the word via social network, we are thrilled that several companies contacted us to let us know that they are sending the information to their employees, vendors and contacts! Today we got word that the Federal Reserve is posting a notice in their employee newsletter about the drive. They join The Land of Nod, Fab.com, Lilla Rogers Studio and Sephora in spreading the word! Thank you to these fabulous companies!

Many schools have also joined in, offering to send to Sandy Hook the Box Tops they have collected, or the Box Tops they will collect during an allocated time! This includes many schools who could greatly benefit from the Box Top funds themselves-Wow! That makes my heart swell!



Please continue to spread the word! (see below for details)

We are sending all of our "Box Tops 4 Education" to Sandy Hook and encourage everyone to do so as well and to spread the word to their contacts! Sandy Hook will receive the revenue from "Box Tops 4 Education" and will be able to spend it as needed. I love the idea of being able to help and if lots of people do it, the impact will be much bigger than what most of us could do alone!

From the "boxtops 4 education" website "We all shop for groceries, sometimes two or three times a week –- or more. Now turn those shopping trip into easy cash for your school, and encourage friends to do the same!  Just look for the Box Tops logo on hundreds of products like Cheerios^®, Hamburger Helper^® and Kleenex^®, in almost every aisle of the store. All you need to do is clip and send them to your school’s Box Tops coordinator —- each one is worth 10¢ for your school."  Check out their website here: http://www.boxtops4education.com/ for more information.

I am hoping that everyone who reads this joins us in mailing their boxtops to:

Sandy Hook Elementary School
Box tops 4 education
12 Dickinson Drive
Sandy Hook, CT 06482


Please post this on your facebook, forward to your email contacts, tweet or pass it along anyway you can and help spread the word! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Box Tops for Sandy Hook

Like everyone else in the world, my heart has been so heavy for the families in Newtown, Connecticut. Actually, my heart has been aching for everyone, everywhere-children whose bubble of innocence and security was decimated by unfathomable violence, parents and guardians who must press on and send their children to school after such a stark reminder of lurking danger, and for all the communities who feel a little more vulnerable these days.

As everyone grapples at making "sense" of the senseless, debates gun control and mental health access, dissects and bisects why, how, who, wanting answers and wanting the assurance that it won't happen again or can't happen to them-also wanting to act, to reach out, to show that good and right are stronger and mightier than bad and wrong. There is a helplessness that accompanies that-there isn't an acute act that will make everything better-that will bring the victims back, and really, isn't that what we really want to do? The only way to erase the devastation?

At our house, we've been searching for something to do. An act to help us grieve and to process and to act, but also that would be beneficial to the Sandy Hook community.

Okay, so I must give credit where credit is due-Steadfast Husband came up with the best idea! He suggested that we send all of our "Box Tops 4 Education" to Sandy Hook and encourage everyone we know to do so as well-and they will encourage everyone they know to do the same-and so on and so on! Brilliant-they receive the money this generates and are able to spend it on what they need and if lots of people do it, the impact will be much bigger than what we could do alone!

From the "boxtops 4 education" website "We all shop for groceries, sometimes two or three times a week –- or more. Now turn those shopping trip into easy cash for your school, and encourage friends to do the same! Just look for the Box Tops logo on hundreds of products like Cheerios^®, Hamburger Helper^® and Kleenex^®, in almost every aisle of the store. All you need to do is clip and send them to your school’s Box Tops coordinator —- each one is worth 10¢ for your school."  Check out their website here: http://www.boxtops4education.com/ for more information.

I am hoping that everyone who reads this joins us in mailing their boxtops to:

Sandy Hook Elementary School
Box tops 4 education
12 Dickinson Drive
Sandy Hook, CT 06482


Please post this on your facebook, forward to your email contacts, tweet or pass it along anyway you can and help spread the word! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

confessions of grief

Today is the anniversary of the day baby Hart died. As a way to honor his memory, I'm going to roll around and wallow in my grief. I'm going to face it honestly and head on, without regard for social mores or self consciousness.
When your son dies it sucks-no it SUCKS. It doesn't "stink" it isn't "unpleasant" it doesn't leave a person "distressed" or "distraught". It SUCKS and there aren't enough faces in the world to punch, garbage cans to kick, or sand castles to stomp on.

People judge you by how you handle your grief. It upsets others to see a person mourning, and brings them comfort when "you're holding up well".

Euphemisms abound-and not that I don't appreciate the old "he's in a better place" as much as the next guy, but guess what? WHO CARES???? My son may be better off in heaven, but I'M NOT! I MISS HIM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY! So you can take your euphemisms and spread them where the unicorns roam amongst the rainbows-because today, I don't want to hear it. I want to wallow in my grief. I want to miss my son and THAT'S OKAY! I understand that it is a burden to have to deal with someone who is acting and feeling completely unreasonable-I have teenagers. It's exhausting-I get it. And the natural inclination is to comfort with words that will make the person snap back to a state of reason (and it would be nice if they could at least be grateful for the service!)

But words of comfort aren't what I need right now. Honestly, I can't even hear your words right now. Grief comes in many forms-from all consuming (which is why I can't hear your pearls of wisdom right now) to subtle-my grief is always with me, as my breath-I am not always aware of it, but it's always with me. And if you can't relate or understand-that's okay, but please extend to me grace or wide berth.

I sometimes think about the person I was before I loved Hart. The person I see in my rear view mirror was carefree, quick to laugh, blissfully ignorant. I will never be that person again. It's not conscious, and I don't believe people look at me and think "gosh, I bet she used to be footloose and fancy free," but I recognize the person I once was and as hard as I try to return to that person, the further she slips from my grasp. It feels like some ancient tragedy come to life-as though my fatal flaw- having experienced unfathomable loss-will now hang over me like a mantle-the inevitable devise that guides the course of my journey.

I cannot talk about Hart's life without talking about his death and that makes people uncomfortable, I get it and I'm so sorry for your discomfort, but guess what? My empathy for your discomfort is outweighed by my desire to share my son-so there!

I feel very fortunate to have a reservoir of empathy
I feel very impatient when I hear what other people call "tragedy"
I feel grateful that most people can call a hangnail tragic and not know better (or is it worse?)
I feel incredibly wise
I feel remarkably ignorant
I feel blessed by perspective
I feel cursed with perspective
I feel like a member of an exclusive club- a private knowing that defies explanation
I feel lucky-I feel like my children are some of the most empathetic, kind hearted creatures in the world. And I feel like when they are disappointed or hurt and someone says "well, that's part of life, people need to experience disappointment-it defines character" that I want to punch them in the face and say "are you freakin' kidding me? WE KNOW ABOUT DISAPPOINTMENT"

I feel like people are stupid
I feel like people are amazing
I feel like there are enough days in the year to hold it together that I can totally fall apart one day each year.
I feel like I can be totally happy for you and sad for me at the same time.
I feel frustrated that there are social guidelines for measuring how one is dealing with loss. It is so unique for each of us, that there is not one path.
I feel grateful for society's expectations of how people behave as they grieve. Sometimes, when you have no idea what to do or how to do it, it's nice to be told.
I get very defensive when people use depression and sadness as synonyms.
I feel like I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but that if I could trade places with my worst enemy I would feel like they don't deserve to be in my shoes.
I feel selfish and selfless
I feel like every one's life deserves to be honored and cherished and that it is a tribute to them to be missed. And that if I weren't so sad and missing Hart today-what would that say about him? and me?

And finally and most importantly, I feel like it's okay to be sad. It's okay to live the entire day with tears in my eyes and snot dripping out of my nose. It's not pretty, but it is beautiful!



.

Here we go again! Remembering Baby Hart in Word and Song!

Yesterday was the day. It happens every year around this time. My beloved little boy's birthday is drawing near and "the crying" has begun. There is a clear progression that occurs that precipitates "the crying" yet, it always takes me by surprise.

First, around the end of October, a quiet pall, slowly, stealthy, gently drapes itself around my day. It occurs so subtly that I don't notice until it's been in residence for about a week and I've exhausted all other excuses for my irritable (and I'm sure irritating) behavior. Then I get annoyed. Annoyed that I have no more control over my emotions, that my ability to compartmentalize my emotions or at least put a pause on them has completely abandon me. It's my gift, the gift of getting through the day, the gift that enables me to get out of bed each morning, to find joy in each day-and suddenly it's gone. And that's completely annoying!

But still, I go on, annoyed and morose. Short-tempered and appalled at other's (seemingly) complete lack of perspective, at the same time I, myself, over react to the most insignificant slight. With an enormous amount of eye rolling (well, even more than usual!), on I march.

Then, without an ounce of subtlety and complete lack of gentleness, "the crying" begins. Unlike the previous incarnation of grief, this step begins quite abruptly, but still, I am slow to recognize it for what it is.  This is what happened yesterday. Like a spontaneous nosebleed, one moment I was fine, the next, I was spewing bodily fluid.

 I was driving to the grocery, singing "Little Talks" by Of Monsters & Men, enjoying the moment, enjoying the fact that my mind was completely blank, a rare moment of complete lack of responsibility to anyone but myself (and my fellow road mates). And suddenly I realized I was crying. Full-on tears rolling down my cheeks, runny nose, quivering lip-the whole nine yards (and sadly, I'm not a pretty crier-which, ironically, always makes me cry harder!)

Unlike typical crying, "the crying" often comes before thinking, before the even slightest awareness of melancholy. But then, like a dam breaking, the thinking begins and the hurt takes hold. The what-ifs, the should-ofs, the longing come rushing to the front of my mind. I think about Hart, who I miss to infinity and beyond each and every moment of each and every day. I think of my steadfast husband, who is the only other person who comes close to experiencing these same emotions, questions, thoughts and that I am so grateful to share this life with him. I think of my surviving children who are the most amazing people I know- even more so for their capacity to love and empathize, for their ability to put things in perspective and to see things with a complete lack of perspective and because they know what it's like to experience a horrific loss and get up the next day and find joy in the world!

And then I think of the hurt they've experienced and it breaks my heart and I think no one should ever have to know that kind of pain. And I think of Baby Girl who never got to meet her brother, and this just about kills me. And then I think what an enormous emotional price we have paid and I feel guilty, then I think it was completely worth it and that if I could trade one minute of Hart's life to erase all of the pain and heartache, I wouldn't do it.

I think about how lucky I am. How I got to hold and love an amazing little soul. I got to know, hold and fall completely in love with someone who, scientifically speaking, was never even supposed to be here-not even for a minute.

Then as suddenly as it came, "the crying" was gone. "The crying" was gone but the feeling-the feeling remained. It was the same feeling, but completely altered-it was a feeling of warmth- a knowing, a satiation-still as profound, still as intense, but filled with comfort-the same, but different.

"The Crying" Day 2

This morning, about a half-hour into my early morning, family-free quiet time, "the crying" came back for a visit. I know this is "the crying's" motis operandi, but still it caught me by surprise. I will have to work harder at being on guard- expecting the unexpected-but, as a person who jumps every time someone opens a can of Pilsbury biscuits (the pop always gets me) chances are I will continue to be caught off-guard!

Two of the moppets woke-up early (curses!) and saw "the crying". They asked what was wrong and I told them that I was missing baby Hart. I told them that it's okay to be sad and that they shouldn't be upset that I was crying. (I feel very strongly that children don't think it's wrong to be sad or that it should be kept secret). Of course they became quiet and thoughtful-then Baby Girl did what Baby Girl does-she wrote a song! Unbelievably, it occured to me to video her performance (on my phone) because she is the queen of one hit wonders-(actually, she can't remember any of her songs well enough to repeat them) and I didn't ever want to forget this fabulous moment!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQKV5zjdsPA&feature=plcp
It made me smile through my tears and even made me think (for a very brief moment) that early morning quiet time is over-rated!

Jackson Pollock Appreciation Day!

Saturday I woke up in the mood for some big, fabulous, messy, artistic fun. I envisioned an unbridled, no-holds-barred, painting fest-a la' Jackson Pollock! And then...I had a vision of an unbridled, no-holds-barred, painting fest-a la' Farrah Fawcett! Before I let the second vision eclipse the first, I told the moppets my plan! (I do this thing when I am a little apprehensive to dive into an idea, I say it out loud, in front of witnesses-witnesses that have the potential to be very annoying if I don't follow through!) So, it was official, our very own Jackson Pollock appreciation day was born!

Although I don't believe that art can be "wrong"- I do believe it can be ugly. In order to tip the odds in favor of having an eye-pleasing object d'art,at the end of the day, I bought three canvases-2 for practicing and one that would become our "masterpiece" (or at the very least-practice canvas number 3!) Additionally, I chose paint colors that (in my opinion) would work well together and were pleasing to me! But most importantly, I also chose to remain consistently vague about what we would do with our masterpieces after we finished-just in case.

The only real "rule" I declared was that we couldn't touch the canvas. We could use any tool or style as long as there was no contact with the surface of the artwork!  In the beginning there was a definite food fight mentality, but after a few hits, because there weren't any rules forbidding it, the appeal of splattering, sloshing and throwing paint at each other quickly waned and the desire to create art took hold!

I must admit that I had to let go some minor control issues and go with the flow, but once I did, we all had a blast! Perhaps celebrating abstract impressionism a few days before your cousin's wedding isn't the best timing (sorry, Andrew-Baby Girl still has some really stubborn red paint in her hair!) but what a small price to pay for such an awesome experience and life-long memory!