To Speak to the Nurse, Please Press 3 Now...

 There are two things (there are way more than two) that I occasionally think about (consistently fret over) that would be temporarily (until the end of time) embarrassing (cause permanent humiliation) in the very unlikely event (not if, but when) they occurred.

They aren't the obvious, common anxiety inducers that everyone shares-the fear that a stag beetle will pinch your toe and not let go, no matter how hard you shake your leg, while your parents and sister watch, laughing uncontrollably-for example.


But are actually silly little things that don't really deserve a second thought. The chance of them ever happening is so slight that it is ridiculous to even think about them-let alone allow them to gain a foothold.

A couple of days ago, one of these "silly little things" happened to me. In an effort to expose the trepidation caused by this "needless" worry, and perhaps weaken its hold, I have decided to share my story -or spin my story- because I've heard it is way better to get your side out there before the video goes viral! Just kidding -there is no (known) video-only audio. And everyone knows audio-only recordings make terrible videos!

Two days ago, I had the opportunity to spend some extra time with Middle Daughter as I, joyfully and with love in my heart, drove her to school. It was loads of fun, we laughed and sang. Our melodic performance of Josh Joplin Group's "Camera One" was vocal art. Cartoon birds tried to fly through the window to place flower wreaths on our heads. And the words with which we bid adieu were sweet poetry. Because I was already out and filled with such joy, I decided to run a few errands before heading home. (What may have actually occurred- middle daughter missed the bus-by a lot-and it was annoying, so instead of talking and to drown out the sighing (me) and grunting (her), I turned the music on and we sighed and grunted along. A bird pooped on my windshield. We grunted and sighed good-bye and love you. And because I was already out and not dressed in pajamas- I decided to run some errands.)

This is what I looked like!

Well, all that singing and dropping off and being dressed was addictive, and I wanted more. After shouts of "Good morning! It's early and I don't have my pajamas on" seemed to cause several people to roll up their windows and look away (there was one couple who seemed really happy for me-they cheered and another gentleman wanted me to get out and show him-weird), I  turned up the music and starting singing! Bliss! The more I sang, the more fabulous I felt. I turned the volume down a little (I didn't want to drown myself out)-serendipity! Okay, seriously-I sounded like a rock star! Really, I did. And I looked like one too-I could tell without even looking in the mirror! Or maybe a really cool folksinger-filled with passion for humanity and justice with just enough indifference to be cool.

I was quite magnificent!
It was really obvious.
And it was magnetic- I could just feel the looks of awe and admiration from other drivers, bicyclists, and passersby. Oh my gosh, when did this happen? I am absolutely magical!

When I got to the store and got out of my car, still singing- (look at me-I don't need no stinkin' music) I realized my phone was in my pocket, so I pulled it out to put it in my purse. Thanks to an attempted Pulp Fiction-inspired dance move (it felt right at the time), I noticed that there was a call. Not an incoming call. Not a missed call. An ongoing call. An almost 12 minute ongoing call. A still going ongoing call-to my doctor! I immediately (and repeatedly) hit the end call button and died a little inside.

and then I looked like this!

Unbelievable! I knew this would happen some day! I was right to fret about this! I have shushed family and friends (I know-ru-ude!) so I can double check that there isn't someone on the other end of my phone-because the risk of pocket dialing and phantom disconnection with humiliating results is REAL! (BTW, did you know if you hit a button repeatedly, it responds more quickly? It doesn't matter if it's an elevator or a cell phone- an object doesn't know you really want action unless you quickly press it forcefully, numerous times-and then once more. True story.)

So, I would like to offer a formal apology to my doctor's office staff (or a heartfelt "you're welcome" for the superb entertainment/comedy relief I provided-I'm available for birthdays, weddings and bar mitzvahs).

And to the following- (I'm not exactly sure how much of my "concert" was enjoyed, but to cover all my bases)
                                               KISS (Rock and Roll All Night)
                                                  Green Day (Good Riddance)
                                               Rise Against (Audience of One)
                                               Brett Dennen (Ain't no Reason)
                                                        Fun. (Carry On)
Please accept my apology for potentially ruining these songs for possibly 3 or more people.

I would also like to take this opportunity to tell the moppets, I'm sorry I didn't heed your advice about password protecting my mobile phone. BTW that is actually a really good idea! (And, while I'm at it, a special sorry to Smash Mouth whose song All Star I sing/butcher daily-but only because my kids are rock stars so I always do the rock star line before the all star line, sorry about that. But actually, you're "musicians" not baseball players-the rock star line really should be first!)

Oh my the other thing I fret over on a regular basis is that my children will realize I am not nearly as fabulous as I think I am! Oh yikes-I think that one just came true too!