You're Not Angry at God?

You're not angry at God?

I was asked that question, tinged with incredulousness, many times while I was pregnant with Hart and quite regularly after he died. As I tried to wrap my head around everything that was going on, I went through a myriad of emotions: sadness, fear, doubt, confusion, helplessness, determination, acceptance, joy, awe. But I don't have any recollection of being angry. I reread all of my journal entries from that time-no sign of anger there either (although I did find a couple of entries that were clearly written for the sake of posterity-or the inevitable VH1 Behind the Music episode of my life -because obviously) but, never anger.

I never felt as though Hart was a tragedy that God "allowed to happen"-like He sometimes allows bad to prevail and we lost some big celestial coin toss. Nor did I feel that He took a terrible situation and made lemonade from lemons. I believe that every part of Hart was God's plan. His life and death were all part of a divine, purposeful intention, exactly as it was. I came to understand that, although Hart had the "too many" chromosomes, he was perfect. He was fearfully and wonderfully made. My soul knows very well the wonder of His works and my grasp of what that looks like grew infinitely. And while my mama's heart would give anything to still have Hart with us, and I miss him like crazycakes every single day, that wasn't God's perfect plan.

When our desires match up with God's will we call ourselves blessed. We humblebrag about how blessed we are, complete with pictures, on social media. When we just miss personal tragedy or hear of the misfortune of others, we exhale in relief and count our blessings. But, when what we want and what God wants for us don't align, are we any less blessed? No, we are blessed, not by what our hearts long for, nor by the serendipitous aligning of those desires with God's will, but we are blessed because we are.

As a Christian, I am commanded to love God and to love others as I am loved. That is what I strive for (and fail at) daily. It's the "as I am loved," part that trips me up. I don't know that the unconditional love of God is something that we can truly understand, let alone practice, but that is the aim. Is it possible to truly celebrate that each of us is made in His image and for His glory, then proceed to parse out to whom that really applies, who is worthy? How often do our ideals become stumbling blocks preventing us from loving others unconditionally? Anger, fear, doubt, pride all get in between us and love. We preserve our love and sparingly dole it out to those we choose, those who earn it or we deem worthy. Why do we try so hard to conserve something that is infinite and made to be given in abundance to others unconditionally?

I felt, and still feel, as if God chose us to be Hart's family. When he entrusted us with this awesome gift, as cheesy as it sounds, I got a glimpse of divinity. In addition to the change in me,  I witnessed God's love and how he changed others through Hart. "Seeing" God so intimately affirmed and strengthened my faith in ways that are too big for words to hold. It also shed a layer of the humanism that is woven (I believe by divine design) into our relationships with Him. Perhaps that layer was anger.

It is in loving Hart, in holding him, in seeing the perfection in him, in seeing the reflection of God in him, that I experienced awe instead of anger. That awe is with me every day. It brings me peace and comfort that my faith cannot be restrained by my understanding,  that it is beyond the capacity of words and emotions!