Bandwidth

 

I’m out of bandwidth. I just am. I’ve drained all my reserves and even my secret, emergency stash is depleted. On the one hand, I’m glad I realize this, on the other hand, it makes me feel like I’m failing.

I guess it’s an unrecognized privilege that I’m usually able to indulge in celebrating, honoring, remembering and missing Hart this time of year. It takes a lot out of me and brings me every conceivable emotion, but the emotions settle in peace, and that rights my soul.

But right now I feel like my emotions are a moving target I can’t quite hone in on, continually moving just beyond all the other, more pressing, responsibilities I need to focus on. And selfishly, I wish I could pause everything else to refill my tank and indulge in my feelings.

Baby Girl (BG) is suffering from the effects of a concussion. Which means lots of doctors appointments and countless PT sessions, endless headaches, confusion and nonstop grumpiness. As I try to help her feel better and (un)gently guide her as she navigates school work, cheer and relationships all while in a perpetual state of grumpy annoyance (both of us), I am reminded that when I’m out of bandwidth, I am of no help to others or myself.

Today we are heading to BG’s teacher’s memorial service. I know this would be terribly difficult under any circumstances, but everything is exacerbated . The dread and fear I’m feeling is just…so much. Too much. While I know neither of us are as emotionally armed as I’d like us to be, I also know how important it is for her to be able to honor and remember her beloved teacher. 

So, today, I’m praying for peace, strength, wisdom and courage. I’m also praying that I don’t word vomit (or real vomit), run out of tissues, nervous laugh or embarrass myself, Baby Girl or anyone else. 

And tomorrow…