HARTbroken

This morning when I woke up, I was already crying. When I opened my eyes, thimbles worth of tears fell onto my pillow. Usually, there is the "honeymoon" period after I wake-up, that moment just before I remember, when all is right with the world, before feelings wash over me. Before emotion, like a wave when you're facing the shore, takes me completely off guard and envelopes me wholly. Not today. Today, I was feeling before I woke up. Mourning before the shackles of sleep began to loosen their grip.

Nine years ago today, Hart died. There are so many emotions-all flooding to the surface, competing for my attention.  Pain, emptiness, sadness and gratitude. Gratitude may seem like an odd emotion to feel in association with the loss of a child, but I am so grateful that I got to spend time and get to know my little boy. This is what I feel most strongly. Today, gratitude wins. Without gratitude, the other feelings would be irrelevant. I wouldn't ache for my child, my arms wouldn't feel empty, my heart wouldn't feel like a chunk of it is missing. It was the cost of admission to loving Hart and was such a small price to pay. And I would pay it all over again, plus everything I have and am to have one more day, hour, minute with him.

Yet, I remember, at the time, saying to God "I don't know how much longer I can do this." I couldn't continue to watch him die, it was excruciating. I was grateful that he died (relatively) quickly. That his suffering was short. I try not to feel guilty, especially now, when I am not emotionally empty and physically exhausted. When I am not completely depleted of everything that gives me life. But, at the time, I felt like I was on the verge of disintegrating, melting, imploding or just running full speed through the plate glass window.

I believe the passage of time is a beautiful gift. It allows the acute awareness of details fade, the sharp pain of hurt to dull. It enables us to polish memories, and to even completely rewrite history. Today I say that I would do anything to have one more minute-and I mean that, I would. But I know that it is my revisionist version and not how I felt at the time. I remember telling my husband, I truly cannot go on like this, and I know I meant it. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to admit that now, but I know that's how I felt and it wasn't until more than a year after he died that I felt differently.

My husband and I made a deal when Hart was born that we would live his life with no regrets. That whatever we did, we would know that we were doing the best we could, that there would be no second guessing. At the time, and for a long time after, that was easy to do, but as time passes, moments of "I wish we would have...," or "if only we...," creep into my being. More pictures (there were hundreds) less worry, more videos, less conversation, one more kiss...

                               

To Speak to the Nurse, Please Press 3 Now...

 There are two things (there are way more than two) that I occasionally think about (consistently fret over) that would be temporarily (until the end of time) embarrassing (cause permanent humiliation) in the very unlikely event (not if, but when) they occurred.

They aren't the obvious, common anxiety inducers that everyone shares-the fear that a stag beetle will pinch your toe and not let go, no matter how hard you shake your leg, while your parents and sister watch, laughing uncontrollably-for example.


But are actually silly little things that don't really deserve a second thought. The chance of them ever happening is so slight that it is ridiculous to even think about them-let alone allow them to gain a foothold.

A couple of days ago, one of these "silly little things" happened to me. In an effort to expose the trepidation caused by this "needless" worry, and perhaps weaken its hold, I have decided to share my story -or spin my story- because I've heard it is way better to get your side out there before the video goes viral! Just kidding -there is no (known) video-only audio. And everyone knows audio-only recordings make terrible videos!

Two days ago, I had the opportunity to spend some extra time with Middle Daughter as I, joyfully and with love in my heart, drove her to school. It was loads of fun, we laughed and sang. Our melodic performance of Josh Joplin Group's "Camera One" was vocal art. Cartoon birds tried to fly through the window to place flower wreaths on our heads. And the words with which we bid adieu were sweet poetry. Because I was already out and filled with such joy, I decided to run a few errands before heading home. (What may have actually occurred- middle daughter missed the bus-by a lot-and it was annoying, so instead of talking and to drown out the sighing (me) and grunting (her), I turned the music on and we sighed and grunted along. A bird pooped on my windshield. We grunted and sighed good-bye and love you. And because I was already out and not dressed in pajamas- I decided to run some errands.)

This is what I looked like!

Well, all that singing and dropping off and being dressed was addictive, and I wanted more. After shouts of "Good morning! It's early and I don't have my pajamas on" seemed to cause several people to roll up their windows and look away (there was one couple who seemed really happy for me-they cheered and another gentleman wanted me to get out and show him-weird), I  turned up the music and starting singing! Bliss! The more I sang, the more fabulous I felt. I turned the volume down a little (I didn't want to drown myself out)-serendipity! Okay, seriously-I sounded like a rock star! Really, I did. And I looked like one too-I could tell without even looking in the mirror! Or maybe a really cool folksinger-filled with passion for humanity and justice with just enough indifference to be cool.

I was quite magnificent!
It was really obvious.
And it was magnetic- I could just feel the looks of awe and admiration from other drivers, bicyclists, and passersby. Oh my gosh, when did this happen? I am absolutely magical!

When I got to the store and got out of my car, still singing- (look at me-I don't need no stinkin' music) I realized my phone was in my pocket, so I pulled it out to put it in my purse. Thanks to an attempted Pulp Fiction-inspired dance move (it felt right at the time), I noticed that there was a call. Not an incoming call. Not a missed call. An ongoing call. An almost 12 minute ongoing call. A still going ongoing call-to my doctor! I immediately (and repeatedly) hit the end call button and died a little inside.

and then I looked like this!

Unbelievable! I knew this would happen some day! I was right to fret about this! I have shushed family and friends (I know-ru-ude!) so I can double check that there isn't someone on the other end of my phone-because the risk of pocket dialing and phantom disconnection with humiliating results is REAL! (BTW, did you know if you hit a button repeatedly, it responds more quickly? It doesn't matter if it's an elevator or a cell phone- an object doesn't know you really want action unless you quickly press it forcefully, numerous times-and then once more. True story.)

So, I would like to offer a formal apology to my doctor's office staff (or a heartfelt "you're welcome" for the superb entertainment/comedy relief I provided-I'm available for birthdays, weddings and bar mitzvahs).

And to the following- (I'm not exactly sure how much of my "concert" was enjoyed, but to cover all my bases)
                                               KISS (Rock and Roll All Night)
                                                  Green Day (Good Riddance)
                                               Rise Against (Audience of One)
                                               Brett Dennen (Ain't no Reason)
                                                        Fun. (Carry On)
Please accept my apology for potentially ruining these songs for possibly 3 or more people.

I would also like to take this opportunity to tell the moppets, I'm sorry I didn't heed your advice about password protecting my mobile phone. BTW that is actually a really good idea! (And, while I'm at it, a special sorry to Smash Mouth whose song All Star I sing/butcher daily-but only because my kids are rock stars so I always do the rock star line before the all star line, sorry about that. But actually, you're "musicians" not baseball players-the rock star line really should be first!)

Oh my the other thing I fret over on a regular basis is that my children will realize I am not nearly as fabulous as I think I am! Oh yikes-I think that one just came true too!

My Brown Eyed Girl

Middle Daughter is a rock star! Actually, she’s more of a defender of the underdog, environmental crusading smarty pants, who happens to look like a super model-with a flair for fashion! She is kind, creative, hopeful and loving. She is pertinacious in some things, while remaining respectful and open-minded in others.

©1999 JT's HAND-A Neonatal Fund

When Middle Daughter was born, she was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for 10 days. For a long time, I felt that she was so fragile-as if, like a helium balloon, if I didn't hold on tightly enough, she would just float away.  I quickly learned that M.D. would have no part of my tight grasp.

When M.D. was 5, we were in Chicago celebrating Firstborn Daughter's Birthday. We were walking down Pearson Street and came upon a man who was (rather aggressively) soliciting. My instinct was to pull everyone close and keep on- keepin’ on (I know, I know-I'm not proud). The two oldest moppets grabbed onto my arms and started giggling nervously. As we continued to walk, Middle Daughter kept looking back at the man. After several steps, M.D. said, “Mama, that man needs some money, can I give him mine?” as she ran back and handed her money to him.

While in 2nd and 3rd grades, she learned 2 very valuable things from teachers. I really think these two lessons have molded how she sees the world!

Her 2nd grade teacher taught her that it is icky to lie to your apartment manager and say you don't have a cat when you do; and if you get caught with said cat, it's even ickier to try to guilt your students into taking your cat because you don't want to pay the pet deposit! 

 (Also known as the year M.D. learned how not to behave!)

In 3rd grade, her teacher taught her that it is a beautiful thing to give your lunch to another, but also that it is okay not to give away your lunch-especially when you're hungry! Nourishing yourself is not selfish!

Middle Daughter is one of the most determined people I have ever known. She doesn't let other people define her-if someone tells her she can't do something, she will prove to them that she can!














She has a fabulous sense of style!

M.D. wants to save the world! She is specifically passionate about the environment! I love that she is the #1 fan of the Director of the Virginia Department of Environmental Quality! She gets all flustered and swoon-y when she talks to him-it's adorable!

(P.S.-M.D-thank you for letting that woman with one item go ahead of you in line at the store the other day! I saw that-way to go!)

As Long as I'm Living... My Baby You'll Be

I can't figure out if Baby Girl is so yummy because there are so many of us "raising" her-so she gets our best (least exhausted) selves; because, since birth, she has been schlepped around to everyone's activities- exposing her to all kinds of fabulous; or if it's because I'm tired and old and not as uptight as I once was! It's probably a combination of all these things, or has absolutely nothing to do with any of them-either way-Baby Girl rocks!

She says things like this:

"Mama, it's really hard to become a star. Seriously, I've been trying for years!"


"Ahhhhh! The paparazzi is trying to take my picture! Can you help me hide?"





"Mom, you need to remember that when I don't bring my lunch to school, I still need to pack a snack. I was starving today. I was so hungry, I seriously thought about eating my crayon!"


And does things like this:  

Wears white gloves on the 1st day of school

B is for Brady Bunch! Of course!

           


                    
         Places a candle on her head
             and one on each hand.
         And proclaims that she is
     Lumiere from Beauty & the Beast
                                   

They were completely overwhelmed by their brilliance!

                                               


During a 5 hour road trip, she convinced her big sister's bestie to form a rock band!
They are called
The Glowettes!



They worked very hard and made lots of big decisions.
Most importantly, all of The Glowettes merchandise will GLOW!
                           

                                                         

                            
BG's The Glowettes band mate is 
from Oxford, so this just seemed right!
                

                               

          And sleeps like this:

Or sometimes like this:

Now if she isn't that cat's pajamas, then I just don't know my feline loungewear!

Please forgive me, I'm having a moment...

Most mornings I wake up and turn on The Today Show. Oftentimes the news makes me sad, annoyed, uneasy or flabbergasted- I don't really love that, but The Today Show serves as my daily calibrator (that plus a yummy cup of coffee and being the only one awake!) which I really do love/need.

As I am watching, I often wonder, "what kind of crazy train did these people bungee jump off of?" (Then I start singing Crazy in my head-the Seal version, not the Alanis Morissette one). I envision them as babies, in the loving arms of their mamas and papas, stockings pulled firmly over their itty, bitty heads to conceal their little baby identities, and think how did they get from there to here? (And, really, shouldn't the stockings have been a red flag?)

 ©Anna Bond

But then I think that's ridiculous and of course there are bank robbers and other assorted bad persons who were held in loving arms. So then I decide that they must not have realized that someone in this world thought they were the cat’s pajamas. (Because how could you be a bad guy if you knew someone thought you were the cat's pajamas, right?) I start singing Feed the World, because I heart Sir Bob Geldolf and I know the words to that song. Oops. No I don't. So I sing “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire-we don't need no water, let the,” but I stop because I remember that I have children in my house-sleeping children and I need to be quiet or I can kiss my sweet, sweet solitude goodbye.

And yes, it really is exhausting being me!

Then I get all sad thinking that perhaps they weren't held in loving arms. Maybe that's how they got from there to here-at which point I start humming "We are the World" because I think all babies should be held in loving arms and it makes my heart ache to think otherwise. And because “We are the World” just feels right.

This morning as I was meandering down this mental flowchart, enjoying my coffee and the house party in my head, I started wondering if the moppets know how amazing, kind, and rockstar-ish I think they are. Hand on chin, finger tapping cheek, eyes looking upward-Things that make you go hmm... (Nope, don't know the words to that song either.)

So I've decided to share some things that that blow my mind (in a good way) about my children over the next couple of weeks! Because everyone should know that there is someone in the world who believes they hung the moon!

Announcing the Sammons Summer Fun!

Summer is officially starting at The Cottage. School's out,  CYT Ricmond's Les Misérables (an absolutely amazing experience and a top notch production) just wrapped, and we bid bon voyage to our Mimi who was visiting for the week. I feel like tossing all my papers and books in the air and running Pheobe-style directly to the nearest summer fun! Which, because I have no idea what that is, I'm making my own!

This summer we are living Pinterest-ingly! Like many folks I know, I find Pinterest completely addictive (kind of like Kumihimo jewelry, but without an end). It is full of ideas, solutions, and fixes; recipes, patterns, and DIY instructions; fun activities, fascinating factoids, clever sayings and quotes, and is an endless well of things I never knew I needed to know! -not to mention a complete time sucker-but I contend that there are worse ways to spend the wee hours of a sleepless night!

I really feel like my brain is full of fluff these days. I am hard pressed to come up with ideas or suggestions for fun (let alone purposeful, educational or in any way beneficial) activities, what to make for dinner, or how to make my own natural, organic, reliable deodorant-I find it all quite vexing! While I am hopeful this is just a temporary condition, in the meantime, I've got to keep on keepin' on!

I am not exactly sure how this is going to play out-after all I can't come up with a plan of my own and cannot find a pinterest pin outlining how to live a pinteresting summer-but we'll find a way. The thought is- whatever we do, we'll do it the Pinterest way (or ways)!

In the mean time, youngest son is still trying to figure out how to build a dunk tank and middle son wants everything we do to be a competition-so I must now log on to Pinterest-I'm sure both of these things are addressed there!

                                                              pinterest: the cottage cheese

Letter from Sandy Hook Elementary School Parent

I received this beautifully written letter from a parent at Sandy Hook Elementary School. 

Hi Erin!

Thanks so much for your generosity!  It's amazing how much support our community has received from around the world!  We really do appreciate everything that has been done to help us. Acts of kindness such as this are what helps us to show our children that there really are good people in the world and that people from all over the world care about them! 

Last week we started at our new school and we are taking it slowly, day by day.  Most of the kids are excited to be back in class and back to a "normal" routine.  My student is a second grader at the school and their classroom was directly across the hall from Ms. Soto's and Mrs. DeMato's rooms.  My child and several of their classmates are having a particularly hard time coming back to school since just being in school is bringing up memories of that day.  Their class was just feet away, hiding beneath their coats in a corner.  They heard it all and saw more than any child should have to witness.  We have good days and we have bad days.  The kids jump at loud noises, cringe at the sound of sirens, even smells of smoke will bring up bad memories.  Then there are the days when the kids are all together and you can see the special bond they have formed by having endured such a horrific event together - they are all there for each other - ready to give hugs or a pat on the back, giving each other drawings, stickers or cards - anything to show that they care and they understand what each other is going through.  They are an amazing group of kids and they have amazing teachers! Just watching those kids together gives me hope that there is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel and they are the ones who are going to lead us there.

Your idea to send the Box Tops is fantastic!  I know so many people want to know how to help.  This is a great way to help since we really don't know at the moment what we'll need down the road.  The money we receive from Box Tops will go a long way to helping us meet any needs we may have as we move further along in the school year and beyond. 

Thanks again so much for your support!!!!!

If you want to send Box Tops 4 Sandy Hook, please send them to the following:

Sandy Hook Elementary School
Att: Box tops 4 education coordinator
12 Dickinson Drive
Sandy Hook, CT 06482

Box Tops 4 Sandy Hook Update

Yippee! Box Tops 4 Sandy Hook really seems to be catching on! As we are busy spreading the word via social network, we are thrilled that several companies contacted us to let us know that they are sending the information to their employees, vendors and contacts! Today we got word that the Federal Reserve is posting a notice in their employee newsletter about the drive. They join The Land of Nod, Fab.com, Lilla Rogers Studio and Sephora in spreading the word! Thank you to these fabulous companies!

Many schools have also joined in, offering to send to Sandy Hook the Box Tops they have collected, or the Box Tops they will collect during an allocated time! This includes many schools who could greatly benefit from the Box Top funds themselves-Wow! That makes my heart swell!



Please continue to spread the word! (see below for details)

We are sending all of our "Box Tops 4 Education" to Sandy Hook and encourage everyone to do so as well and to spread the word to their contacts! Sandy Hook will receive the revenue from "Box Tops 4 Education" and will be able to spend it as needed. I love the idea of being able to help and if lots of people do it, the impact will be much bigger than what most of us could do alone!

From the "boxtops 4 education" website "We all shop for groceries, sometimes two or three times a week –- or more. Now turn those shopping trip into easy cash for your school, and encourage friends to do the same!  Just look for the Box Tops logo on hundreds of products like Cheerios^®, Hamburger Helper^® and Kleenex^®, in almost every aisle of the store. All you need to do is clip and send them to your school’s Box Tops coordinator —- each one is worth 10¢ for your school."  Check out their website here: http://www.boxtops4education.com/ for more information.

I am hoping that everyone who reads this joins us in mailing their boxtops to:

Sandy Hook Elementary School
Box tops 4 education
12 Dickinson Drive
Sandy Hook, CT 06482


Please post this on your facebook, forward to your email contacts, tweet or pass it along anyway you can and help spread the word! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Box Tops for Sandy Hook

Like everyone else in the world, my heart has been so heavy for the families in Newtown, Connecticut. Actually, my heart has been aching for everyone, everywhere-children whose bubble of innocence and security was decimated by unfathomable violence, parents and guardians who must press on and send their children to school after such a stark reminder of lurking danger, and for all the communities who feel a little more vulnerable these days.

As everyone grapples at making "sense" of the senseless, debates gun control and mental health access, dissects and bisects why, how, who, wanting answers and wanting the assurance that it won't happen again or can't happen to them-also wanting to act, to reach out, to show that good and right are stronger and mightier than bad and wrong. There is a helplessness that accompanies that-there isn't an acute act that will make everything better-that will bring the victims back, and really, isn't that what we really want to do? The only way to erase the devastation?

At our house, we've been searching for something to do. An act to help us grieve and to process and to act, but also that would be beneficial to the Sandy Hook community.

Okay, so I must give credit where credit is due-Steadfast Husband came up with the best idea! He suggested that we send all of our "Box Tops 4 Education" to Sandy Hook and encourage everyone we know to do so as well-and they will encourage everyone they know to do the same-and so on and so on! Brilliant-they receive the money this generates and are able to spend it on what they need and if lots of people do it, the impact will be much bigger than what we could do alone!

From the "boxtops 4 education" website "We all shop for groceries, sometimes two or three times a week –- or more. Now turn those shopping trip into easy cash for your school, and encourage friends to do the same! Just look for the Box Tops logo on hundreds of products like Cheerios^®, Hamburger Helper^® and Kleenex^®, in almost every aisle of the store. All you need to do is clip and send them to your school’s Box Tops coordinator —- each one is worth 10¢ for your school."  Check out their website here: http://www.boxtops4education.com/ for more information.

I am hoping that everyone who reads this joins us in mailing their boxtops to:

Sandy Hook Elementary School
Box tops 4 education
12 Dickinson Drive
Sandy Hook, CT 06482


Please post this on your facebook, forward to your email contacts, tweet or pass it along anyway you can and help spread the word! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

confessions of grief

Today is the anniversary of the day baby Hart died. As a way to honor his memory, I'm going to roll around and wallow in my grief. I'm going to face it honestly and head on, without regard for social mores or self consciousness.
When your son dies it sucks-no it SUCKS. It doesn't "stink" it isn't "unpleasant" it doesn't leave a person "distressed" or "distraught". It SUCKS and there aren't enough faces in the world to punch, garbage cans to kick, or sand castles to stomp on.

People judge you by how you handle your grief. It upsets others to see a person mourning, and brings them comfort when "you're holding up well".

Euphemisms abound-and not that I don't appreciate the old "he's in a better place" as much as the next guy, but guess what? WHO CARES???? My son may be better off in heaven, but I'M NOT! I MISS HIM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY! So you can take your euphemisms and spread them where the unicorns roam amongst the rainbows-because today, I don't want to hear it. I want to wallow in my grief. I want to miss my son and THAT'S OKAY! I understand that it is a burden to have to deal with someone who is acting and feeling completely unreasonable-I have teenagers. It's exhausting-I get it. And the natural inclination is to comfort with words that will make the person snap back to a state of reason (and it would be nice if they could at least be grateful for the service!)

But words of comfort aren't what I need right now. Honestly, I can't even hear your words right now. Grief comes in many forms-from all consuming (which is why I can't hear your pearls of wisdom right now) to subtle-my grief is always with me, as my breath-I am not always aware of it, but it's always with me. And if you can't relate or understand-that's okay, but please extend to me grace or wide berth.

I sometimes think about the person I was before I loved Hart. The person I see in my rear view mirror was carefree, quick to laugh, blissfully ignorant. I will never be that person again. It's not conscious, and I don't believe people look at me and think "gosh, I bet she used to be footloose and fancy free," but I recognize the person I once was and as hard as I try to return to that person, the further she slips from my grasp. It feels like some ancient tragedy come to life-as though my fatal flaw- having experienced unfathomable loss-will now hang over me like a mantle-the inevitable devise that guides the course of my journey.

I cannot talk about Hart's life without talking about his death and that makes people uncomfortable, I get it and I'm so sorry for your discomfort, but guess what? My empathy for your discomfort is outweighed by my desire to share my son-so there!

I feel very fortunate to have a reservoir of empathy
I feel very impatient when I hear what other people call "tragedy"
I feel grateful that most people can call a hangnail tragic and not know better (or is it worse?)
I feel incredibly wise
I feel remarkably ignorant
I feel blessed by perspective
I feel cursed with perspective
I feel like a member of an exclusive club- a private knowing that defies explanation
I feel lucky-I feel like my children are some of the most empathetic, kind hearted creatures in the world. And I feel like when they are disappointed or hurt and someone says "well, that's part of life, people need to experience disappointment-it defines character" that I want to punch them in the face and say "are you freakin' kidding me? WE KNOW ABOUT DISAPPOINTMENT"

I feel like people are stupid
I feel like people are amazing
I feel like there are enough days in the year to hold it together that I can totally fall apart one day each year.
I feel like I can be totally happy for you and sad for me at the same time.
I feel frustrated that there are social guidelines for measuring how one is dealing with loss. It is so unique for each of us, that there is not one path.
I feel grateful for society's expectations of how people behave as they grieve. Sometimes, when you have no idea what to do or how to do it, it's nice to be told.
I get very defensive when people use depression and sadness as synonyms.
I feel like I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but that if I could trade places with my worst enemy I would feel like they don't deserve to be in my shoes.
I feel selfish and selfless
I feel like every one's life deserves to be honored and cherished and that it is a tribute to them to be missed. And that if I weren't so sad and missing Hart today-what would that say about him? and me?

And finally and most importantly, I feel like it's okay to be sad. It's okay to live the entire day with tears in my eyes and snot dripping out of my nose. It's not pretty, but it is beautiful!



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