1. Reach out to the bereaved. Even a text, email or phone call can make a world of difference. Knowing that people were thinking of us brought so much comfort.
2. Don't tell people that their loved one is "in a better place," or that, "they're no longer in pain". If they believe that, they already know it. If not, it won't bring them comfort. The bottomline is that people want to be able to see, touch, hear, smell the person they've lost and they're envisioning their loved one from a time they were healthy and not in pain.
3. Follow their lead. If you pay attention, those who are grieving will likely serve as a guide to the best way to emotionally support them. Let them talk about their loved one. Memories are all they have, so to share them is to keep a part of the deceased alive. They don't get to make new memories, so even if you've heard a story 1000 times, just listen and let them bring their loved one to "life" for just a moment.
4. People who are grieving may stupid things, they may lash out, they may forget birthdays, holidays, important events in other people's lives (or their own). They may have a hard time celebrating anything. They may feel like the entire world has lost perspective and what is important to you seems trivial to them. Offer them grace over and over and over again. Know that it's not personal, that they are really doing the best they can. Somedays that's taking a step forward, and somedays it's trying desperately not to fall all the way back to where they started.
5. Look for ways to fill in gaps in their lives. People who are grieving are forgetful, distractible, preoccupied and often overlook even their basic needs. There is no respite from mourning. There's no escaping it. There's little room in a mourning brain for anything else. It is helpful to provide food (homemade meals or gift cards from restaurants or grocery stores that deliver), to run errands, to pick up their children or take them to activities, or even to pick up their mail and take their garbage to the curb or mow their lawn.
5. part 2- Saying, "If you need anything, just let me know," is such a kind, generous and sincere offer. I understand people often don't know how to help, but want to do something that will blanket the grieving with love. With a little effort, you will likely be able to find something that you can do to help. And when you find it, just do it.
6. Tell the griever that they don't need to send you a thank you note. Seriously, our child-life specialist told me that I didn't have to write thank you notes-and it was the greatest gift. It still hangs over my head a little bit that I didn't send thank you notes, but if others had told me this, it would have helped erase any guilt. The last thing people in mourning need is a task hanging over their heads. I know that it can be therapeutic to write thank you notes, and of course some people will write them anyway, but letting them off the hook is a wonderful gift.
7. Send them love, lots of it, often, especially after the initial period of mourning passes. After the funeral people go home and get on with their lives, because that's how life works-that's how it's supposed to work. But quick notes and small tokens sent over time can make a huge difference. It seemed like just when I needed it most, I would randomly get a card in the mail. Grief never ends. People never "get over" missing someone and to know that someone else is acknowledging that is so meaningful.
8. Even in a room full of people, mourning is lonely. Show up anyway. Be ready to listen or sit in silence. Even though mourning is a solo activity-having someone nearby is comforting and brings the mourner a feeling of security.
8. part 2 Show up- unless, they want to be alone. Then respect their desire to be alone, because sometimes people need to be alone in order to recharge their batteries or to organize their thoughts. Sometimes being alone brings feelings of comfort and security.
9. Set up a network of support for your friend. The ability to be able to reach out with a simple text that says, "Today's a bad day," and receive immediate support is incredible. It's so helpful to have friends, who already know the backstory, who can meet your need, quickly, and without question.
10. Let your loved one express their many emotions when they need to. Know that their emotions can change on a dime. People can go from laughing to crying to shouting in anger within seconds. That's very normal and actually quite healthy. They don't expect you to fix anything, so don't try. You cannot fix it, you cannot take away their pain, you can only walk by their side and hold their hand and let them know they will not have to walk their grief journey alone.
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