Remembering Hart

Each year, as the anniversary of our beloved baby, Hart's birthday approaches, awareness of my emotions and those of my family, becomes heightened. A type of fear hovers over my existence as I wonder how we will manage this year. But for the 6 years we have celebrated his birthday and his brief life, it has never been bad. Don't get me wrong, it has been incredibly sad, we miss Hart terribly, but it has also been filled with celebration, reflection, memories and love. As Dolly Parton said in the movie Steel Magnolias, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion"-we have a lot of that! I just feel that it is my duty to be on the look-out for the day that we can no longer pull the joy from the tragedy; the day we give in and wallow in our heartache.

Hart would have been 7 years old on November 15. I can't believe it has been 7 years since I gave birth to this amazing little boy. It truly seems like a lifetime ago, I don't even remember the person I was before I knew Hart. I hope that there is some core part of me that remains, but when your life changes in such a profound way, you change along with it. There are times when I feel heavier than I'd like, that my grief weighs down my spirit, that my laughter has to work harder to take flight, that my joy has to shake off a layer of sludge before it surfaces, that my insouciant essence is like a balloon, low on helium, floating just above the carpet.

There are times when the burden of these ever-present feelings gets in my way, drains me, annoys me, makes me long for a time when I was weightless. But fortunately those times are rare. Would I trade knowing and losing Hart in order to purge the grief on my heart? Not for a second. The love that grew in this darkness knows no bounds-I have gained so much more than I could ever lose.

7 years ago, I was a small part of something that was so much greater than the sum of its parts. Our little boy, who wasn't supposed to live outside the womb, lived for almost a month. In that month's time (and beyond) we were enveloped in prayers from across the world, were eye-witnesses to unexpected grace, were recipients to anonymous acts of kindness, we experienced unimaginable amounts of love and support from our friends and family. Strangers reached out to us and became our friends. We felt peace-not an easy thing to feel when you are anticipating the loss of your child, but that is what we prayed for, and that is what God gave us. I have never seen anything like it, let alone lived it.

When I was pregnant, we were told Hart wouldn't survive the pregnancy-he did. When I was in labor-we were told he wouldn't survive labor-he did. When I delivered him, we were told he wouldn't survive delivery-he did. On and on it went-an hour, a day, a week. Hart lived for almost a month. Although he was terminally ill, he was able to live with our family, in our home as any other newborn would. It was such an unexpected blessing, an amazing gift. One that I must admit, I was a bit reluctant to accept. We had completely prepared for an alternate ending! I didn't feel equipped to take a baby home, a baby who I knew was going to die. I felt like I needed some books, courses, a support staff, even some well placed stickers with helpful tips-anything! But thanks to the wise words of a friend of mine, (who also happens to be a fabulous neonatologist), who incredulously said "What do you mean you've never done this before? You've done it 5 times! You guys are going home!" I was able to switch gears psychologically, letting go of the idea that "I have never done this before" and starting to celebrate and rejoice in our baby!

In celebration of Hart's 7th birthday, I will be honoring his memory by sharing stories from his amazing life. Over the next week, I will share several special stories that illustrate the impact his short life had on so many people.

Thank you for sharing this special time.