Today, Hart would have turned 7 years old. That is so hard to fathom. I can't really picture what our family snapshot would look like if he had lived. I cannot imagine the dynamics, the relationships, the dirt. But, I also cannot envision our lives had he not been born. He is a part of our daily lives, as a baby, an angel, a hero and completely dirt-free! We each have a relationship with him, he adds to the interactions of our family, but these are different than if he had survived.
Today isn't a sad day for us, but a day of celebration. We didn't think we would get a chance to celebrate Hart's life. We honestly thought his birthday and death day would be the same; that we would have one date to "contend" with. But what a blessing to be able to celebrate his life! That being said, I've already cried 3 times today (and it's only 7:30 am). But these are not tears of sadness, they are tears of gratitude, tears of happy memories, tears of remembering the kindness of others, tears of feeling love.
I had been warned by countless well-meaning folks, (folks are those people who open their mouths without turning their filters on first!) that Hart's first birthday would be unbearable. That the numbness that enveloped me from the moment of his death would begin to wain, and I would finally feel the true weight of my grief. Really, the truly unbearable part, was everyone telling me that. For weeks, I braced myself, waiting for the breaking point; waiting for the drop of water that would cause the flood walls to break. It never happened. (In the back of my mind, I wondered if I somehow had too much anesthetic and that my numbness wasn't wearing off on time-what on earth was wrong with me? I wasn't losing my mind like I was supposed to!)
Of course there were tears and moments of sadness on his first birthday, but mostly we rejoiced in knowing Hart. It was against all odds that we even got the chance to meet him, let alone create memories. A miracle that my children got to hold and touch and love him! Change his diapers, feed him! It was amazing, and we felt an indescribable joy in that! I finally understand what Alfred Lord Tennyson meant-
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
This poem has nothing to do with the teenage angst I always associated it with!
Each year for Hart's birthday, we buy a children's book published in the current year. The thought is one day, our children will move out, take their books with them and we will still possess a lovely collection of children's books.
This year we chose these two fabulous books!
Happy, happy birthday to my beautiful baby boy!
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