The Significance of Butterflies

Last night, steadfast husband and I went to a charity event, during which I became the proud new owner of a gorgeous butterfly necklace. Because I am celebrating Hart's memory this week, the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

We belonged to the most fabulous church when we lived in Indiana. We loved our church. A lot. The people in it, the programs they offered, the ministers, everything. Our favorite minister, Dr. Joan, was the most amazing woman. While I'm sure having a favorite minister isn't uncommon, it is probably totally Christian-ly incorrect for me to flagrantly admit it-please forgive me...but she was our favorite! Dr. Joan exuded peace, intelligence, love and all good things. She baptized most of our children (including Hart). We started meeting with her while I was pregnant with Hart in order to help us emotionally and spiritually prepare for the loss of our son. We also started planning his funeral.
Dr. Joan asked for our input and we added songs and bible verses that were important to us. We told her who would speak during the service and our overall vision for the service. (Okay, I can’t believe that we had an "overall vision" for the funeral, and even worse that I uttered the words “overall vision” out loud, but-my journal tells me it is so.) She said she had a special idea for our children and, if it was okay with us, she would work on that. We talked to Dr. Joan often during my pregnancy, when Hart was born, and during his life. When the time came for his funeral, it was a relief having had the chance to make the preparations in advance.
The funeral was absolutely beautiful. Several days after his funeral, I received a letter from the mother of my childhood best friend telling me that his service was the most beautiful, moving church service, of any kind, that she had ever been to. It made me smile.
A funeral for a baby is so sad, but it is also so beautiful and pure. It is love and light and brightness (and incredibly difficult to describe). One of the most amazing things about Hart's funeral was the butterflies. During the service, Dr. Joan called my children up to the front of the church to sit beside her on the steps. She had a closed box on her lap. She told them it was filled with Monarch Butterflies. She spoke about the brief, but beautiful life of the butterflies and compared their lives to Hart’s. She asked my children if they wanted to keep them in the box or if they wanted her to open the lid to let them fly. They said to open the lid (thank you, God) and when she did, butterflies flew throughout the sanctuary.
It was such an incredible moment. Dr. Joan had another box of butterflies and asked if we would like to take them home with us. We let the butterflies fly around our house. Having butterflies fly around the house brought moments of joy to our family during very grim days. Since his funeral, whenever we see Monarch butterflies we think of Hart. They have come to represent such a special, beautiful memory.

I couldn’t talk about Hart’s funeral without adding the beautiful words my sister spoke that day! She wrote the following on her flight from Beijing to Indianapolis following Hart’s death.

           I am finally alone, I have a sixteen hour trip ahead of me. Lord, I really need this time... solitude to think, time to talk with You.
       You know how hard it's been for me to be away from Erin and her family, halfway around the world. I can't get there fast enough...but I am also staring my complete inability to make it better right in the face.
      I want to fix it. I want to bring Your peace and comfort to them. Sometimes the pain seems more than we can bear. I thank you, Lord for those moments of joy, in spite of our broken hearts.
     The psalmist writes "I cried out-I'm slipping, and your unfailing love, o Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope."
    So we come to you, Lord, as Paul writes in Hebrews: "let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God, there we will receive his mercy and we find grace to help us when we need it."
    We thank you that we can come to you, Lord, unafraid, raw honest....and lay it all down before you. Thank you that we can say: this hurts, we don't understand, this stinks! We can scream, cry out and this doesn't change how much you love us. Nothing can ever separate us from your love. You will never leave us, You will never forsake us.
     Thank you, Father., for the miracle of Hart. Thank you for choosing Erin and John to be his parents and his brothers and sisters to be his siblings. You knew from the beginning that they would love him unconditionally and not hold anything back, even though they knew his time here would be short and how hard it would be to say good-bye.
     Against all odds, he survived the pregnancy, he made it through labor and delivery, and lived with his family for 24 days. We thank you for his 24 strong, healthy and joyous days.
     I love Psalm 139 where David says, "You saw me before I was born, every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
     So many of the truths we know, Lord. But sometimes we need to convince our broken hearts to embrace them. Our hands ache to hold, our arms feel empty.
     Give us your grace in full measure. Let us feel Your hand on the small of our backs and help us console each other. Take us through this as only You can, to embrace our pain and Hart's death and still embrace life, to go on trusting and loving, knowing that You are faithfully meeting our every need.                               Amen

Beautiful!