One manifestation of this is that I am quick to fall in love with people. I don't like people, I love people. If you're my friend, you're my family. If you're friends with my children, you're my children. It's not a conscious decision, it just is. Fortunately, I'm a pretty good judge of character, unfortunately, it makes it hard to navigate when there's a bump in the road.
Part of my "life is short" education includes a whole lot of grace for bumps in roads. Once you're in, it isn't easy fall out of our ring of love. But it does occasionally happen that the bump is actually a mountain that no amount of (my human limited) grace can transverse. This is hard for me to accept, because I genuinely believe that nothing is so big that it can't be worked out. I still believe that, but am learning (and trying to accept) that even if it can be resolved, sometimes it shouldn't be. I'm trying to understand that forgiveness doesn't necessarily have to include reconciliation-which is an equally important lesson to learn.
Knowing that time can be brief (and weirdly seems to move more quickly the older you get) has also "gifted" me with an impatience for trivialities and wasted-time. Especially in relationships-assuming things can wait until later can be a mistake-it's just not always true. The old adage, "never go to sleep angry," holds true. When you are lucky enough to be loved, you should treasure that and treat it like the precious gift it is.
When Hart was born, Steadfast Husband and I made a pact that we were going to enjoy whatever time we had with him without regrets. That we were going to do the very best we could and always remember that we did. And that if we dropped the ball, it was because our hands were full and that was okay. We were going to extend grace to each other and ourselves. For the most part, that continues to be true.
But, unfortunately, as time passes, regrets are unearthed. I truly know that we did the best we could, but every once in a while, my mind wanders to a land filled with what ifs and why nots. It brings me immense comfort to know that Hart was literally held, snuggled or touched every minute of his life-because that was what was most important to us. How many people can say they were touched with love every moment of their lives? That is the balm that soothes any regret I expose.
But....I wish we had more pictures. I wish we had more video footage. I wish I would have been able to exhale just long enough to soak up the moments more. I realize that I was holding my breath while waiting for Hart to die which prevented me from being completely in these most precious moments. I wish I would have been more able to appreciate that life we had while we had it.
We were constantly surrounded by friends and family and, honestly, I can't completely remember who was there and when. I clearly remember feeling blanketed by love, but the faces attached to that love are blurry. I wish I would have shown the enormity of my gratitude for them more. My friends were remarkable. They anticipated our needs and took care of them. There were days that I was so exhausted I couldn't string a sentence together let alone remember to pick my daughter up from cheerleading. Knowing that my children were loved and well cared for was the greatest gift of all. Their gifts were so beyond comprehension that I feel like I couldn't have possibly expressed the magnitude of my gratitude. I'm still overwhelmed when I think of all the amazing, perfect things that they did for our family.
I wish I was more appreciative of how much my other children loved Hart. I wish I would have paid closer attention to the beauty of the love they showered on him. I wish that Hart was still here with us. It is that wish that brings me back from my revery of regret and reminds me how grateful I am for every minute of his life and of that, I have no regrets.
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