I’ve been rereading my journals from when I learned I was pregnant with Hart through about a year after he died. I love being able to read what was happening in our lives and how I felt.
There are a few things that, upon rereading, are really embarrassing-which explains why I destroyed all of my childhood journals every few years growing up-but I'm so happy I didn't get rid of these-even though:
1. I left out a lot of context, so many of the entries don’t make sense
2. My handwriting vacillates between typewriter neat to serial killer scrawl
3. I was frequently terrified by my ineptitude
4. I was at peace often
5. I really should just use one journal at a time!
Here are a few highlights:
August 2004-I can tell my friends feel bad telling me that they are pregnant or talking about their babies. It’s as if some cosmic calibrator only allows for a certain number of healthy babies and mine is the “sacrificial” sick baby. I feel so bad that they feel uncomfortable. It brings me so much happiness for anyone to have a baby. I pray that everyone experiences that joy if/as many times as they want to.
November 17, 2004-The look on (my oldest son’s best friend) Nick’s face when we brought Hart home was priceless.
He said, “What baby is that?”
“It’s our baby.”
“I thought your baby was supposed to die.”
“He was. Isn’t it awesome?”
December 18, 2004-Hart lived a complete life. His complete life. There’s never enough time. I kept thinking just one more day. But if he had lived 25 days, I would have wanted a 26th.
December 25, 2004-Middle Daughter’s letter to Santa- Hi. How are you and Mrs. Claus? I’m doing all right. Do people in heaven get gifts from you?
Santa’s response-Heaven is God’s gift to us. There they celebrate Jesus’ birthday every day, so they have no need for anything from me.
Best. Santa. Ever.
December 31, 2004-Everyone says that each day gets better. Actually for me, day 23 is the worst one yet.
But my very favorite journal entry is from July 18, 2004: I am pregnant with a baby boy who suffers from Trisomy 18. There is no chance he will be born healthy and live a long/healthy life. He will likely die in utero before his due date. Or if He is born alive, he will die shortly after birth. I’ve requested privacy at this time.
What the actual heck?!? I'm pretty sure that was in the official press release, but maybe it was just on my fan page.🤣 In my defense, I was on (pregnancy safe) strong painkillers for a spinal tumor. But seriously, what does that even mean? Every time I read it I am equally embarrassed and amused!
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