When First I Knew You

Baby Hart-when the ultrasound tech saw him, she said
he has those kissy lips that all of your kids have!

I didn't find out that I was expecting baby Hart until I was more than 3 months pregnant. (It's a long story...) Anyway, I just found this journal entry from soon after I found out that Hart had Trisomy 18.

The thought of looking into your face and justifying any decision is overwhelming. I long to look into your eyes and connect. Is that possible? I don't know. Will you be "born to Heaven"? or will you take a breath?

I don't know what to do. I'm also scared to look in your eyes, to hold you, to love you. But it is too late because I already love you.

What name suits you? How can we ever decide?

I don't know. I feel like you are a gift from God and our family has been chosen to be touched by your light.

I feel like we'll be okay, that our faith will carry us through.

I know I am unable to grasp the gravity of the grief I will experience upon your death, but I believe with all my heart that this is of God and He will make it not only okay, but better than we could ever imagine.

How will your brothers and sisters deal with your death? Your life? I can't risk their well-being. They also have a strong faith. Do they know this is all of God? Do they feel His hand in this? Do they know He will catch them if they fall?

And this entry from 4 days later:

I haven't been sleeping well, so my exhaustion exacerbates all of my emotions. All I want to do is sleep. 

How am I ever going to deal with my baby's death when I'm struggling so much through his (in utero) life?

Are John and I going to be okay? The stress of losing a child is devastating to a marriage and often ends in divorce. I think we'll be okay, but didn't all those other couples think the same thing?

My journals are filled with entries like these-stream of consciousness or endless questions. I'm so grateful that I have them. In my memories, I had so much conviction and confidence in all of our choices. In reality, I was terrified and unsure and was being held up solely by my faith, not only in God, but my faith in my family and friends. Strangely, that brings me so much comfort.